Nondancing

Sometimes, actually quite frequently, not to say very often, I do have a feeling of absence in me, absence from my body, a sort of not being quite there, in it, or disconnected, a feeling of drowsiness and being out of this world. I am not aligned with myself, somehow physically not in sync with my thoughts. For example, I sit in the subway, slouching away in my seat and going someplace in particular, but almost zoning out whilst actually getting there – this feeling of half existence, of hearing things only as a sound collage in the back of my mind, almost unable to move the slightest, limbs numbed, with my sight out of focus, while my chest barely lifts itself enough to make room for air. The same might happen in a lecture room, at a crowded party. The same might happen many places. This makes me tired. I am uncomfortable. I don’t like it. ( April 2012)